Feeling weird

Don’t know if it’s menopause or just life but I have weight gained I feel like I’m crazy. I am trying to work through it but I don’t know just yet how things will work out.

Good Day

I went to a house warming today.I had plan on not going because I wasn’t actually invited. It was fun and they had a great house and announce that that they were having a baby and got engaged. I was feeling very uncomfortable and didn't Feel like I belong there. I was able to talk to family friend Brittney and her husband and she said I was wrong take care of myself and allowing myself to come out and see another day other people you know make it special. I'm glad went. But I didn't want to stay any longer than I needed to I wanted to come spend time by myself in a very long time been home alone. My sister has been staying with me since December and wanted a little time to be alone. Now I taking my course for my camera training and hopefully that will go well hopefully touch base with tomorrow and I wanted to take so long type it down or put something in my blog.

Beanie

I finally talk to Beanie in my dreams and I got tell her how angry I was at her for dying and leaving me here alone. I know a lot of people won’t understand but suicide is a hard thing to deal with. You blame yourself because you wonder what you missed or what you could have done to stop it. Answer for me NOTHING.
I took care of her and gave her what she wanted but I was not her mother who she wanted all those things from. This is just my opinion but that’s the what I think.
While talking to her in my dream I don’t remember her saying anything but it was her choice. But I again feel like she left me here alone after all the plans we made. Now I have to learn a new path and become a new me without her.I think I am almost there but this caused me some anxiety today because I was scared to admit my truth that I am scare of going on a different journey. I still want to travel but now I don’t need to see the fifty states just New York and California. The other trips can come as they may. I hope can write more I as I progress and feel like I am breaking through this door that I closed and have been having trouble opening.

Wish me luck.

Beanie

OkayYou know been thinking about Beanie. I don't know I Just am. Feel so somber. I miss her but I don’t want it to encompass my life. I'm trying to deal with things just as they come..

So far so good

I know it’s been awhile but I have been through so many things in the past few months that didn’t want to write about it of it. My life has been a rollercoaster with Perimenopause, anxiety and depression I didn’t know which way to turn. I have been to mu OB/GYN for the menopause and I am having surgery on Tuesday for Fibroids. So I hope that helps with my hormones. I also have a vitamin D deficiency and that also caused issue with my health. So now I am taking my meds and exercising. Trying to keep everything at a routine. I also found it easier manage pressure another thing that needed to been in the best frame of mind. There's just so much I didn't realize that's associated with anxiety and depression that can also affect you and in the past few weeks I have been going to all of my doctors to make sure that I'm at my best. I had become so focused on my weight gain that I also forgot about everything else was just you know gaining weight but my doctor helped me realize that I needed to focus on the exercise and not losing the weight just staying healthy and also I have fluids so he has been taking water pills every day to help with the fluid which is probably part of the weight gain. But they're so much more I need to say but I'm just going to start off slow and I'll be back in try to talk more about what's going on just just make sure you take care of yourself. And if you need other people to help you stay the best you please ask for help. Thanks

Why Me?

I keep asking the question but no answers.

What is wrong with me?

The biggest question in the world. What is wrong? I don't know. I mean there're a lot of reasons things are happening there are a lot of explanations but I don't know what they are I just got blown everyday. I shed a few tears I do my breathing exercises. Nothing seems to work just seems to be never ending I just don't know me there has to be an into this these feelings these emotions that I'm having coming there has to be a I have to feel normal again at some point in time I mean I'm getting therapy. But I still have all of these questions and all these thoughts moving around in my head and my stomach in chest and throat are always in knots I feel like I'm just full of emotions. Why these emotions won’t let me go I know everybody has them most I know everybody has to feel a certain way why can I feel that way and feel normal. I'm taking deep breath here because I'm trying to soothe my soul I've been wanting to cry all day I have shed a few tears but it didn't seem like it now it never seems like enough. Maybe one morning I wake up and feel wonderful for more than just a day or two I want to feel wonderful for the rest of my life and I hope and pray that happens and I wish that you would pray that that happens for me too. Thank you