Now What?

So still have to find something to do I don't I don't have a
lot of choices of the just being me it's always hard to find out what I want to
do. I mean I'm taking swimming lessons that's something I'm trying again to
learn the guitar haven't done that yet is just that I can't focus on it I don't
know why I just can't do it I'm every time I try to learn it seems like my arms
are just too big. All all want to do really is just just find me something to
occupy my time I mean. I want to just lay around all day day sleep all d and
have nothing to do just talk on the phone to people I mean I get that old
get tired of just down mean talking so you want to do something else and no one
has any ideas of what to do. So what I've been doing I've also decided to
babysit for Ashton who I was hurt to caregiver now I'm going to take care of
her daughter her nanny I should say I say it care giver but is more of a nanny.
So and I want to do a podcast and I know that's complicated but I mean I like
to do that at some point. I want to talk about my issues with depression and
how hard things were for me and just you know letting other people know that
there are people out there just like them who go and not spend you can't just
let go of things. I mean I have a lot of Family issues where a mean they want
me to be this old person that I used to be and I'm not longer that person I am
you know trying to be all about me what what do I mean what do I want to do
what are things in life that I've put on hold because I was taking care of my
family taken care of them you know my brother or taken care of the kids in our
those are things eating out I want to know if I can succeed in these other
different journeys that I'm taking now. I I love my life I just don't like it
right now I mean they're just spots that up just like oh man what am I going to
do do I want to do is do I want to go to the house today.

Florida Work

I made it!!! I was able to work in Florida for 4 weeks without having a nervous break down.There some scary moments but I made.

Florida work week 2

So far, the week has been pretty good. Still having some
nervous issues being on my own.

Ok, I’m bored. I have been to the beach and the sites that I wanted to see but
it’s no fun on your own. I know some people like that experience but not me.
Don't like that I like being with people and sharing that experience with
people. Even the beach it's a lonely place for me I love the ocean I love
sitting there looking at the water it calms me. I like the feeling of the water
on my feet. I just can't do a whole lot alone because the experience so much
better when you can share it with others.

Now as for work it's slow going. We have a lot of people to come in but they're
not coming in to see me, but I try to help them as best I can and make sure
that they get what they me. This is a great learning experience for me because
I have never traveled to a place alone for work and stayed this long.

Florida Work

The next 5 weeks I will be in Florida working and I feel I have some sense of stability now.I am still fearful but I plan on doing things while I here.

Day two

Started my new medicine today praying to God that they work on this anxiety that I have before my trip. My best friend called me very sad and I was able to keep my wits about me. Her sister died last month and she is still having trouble replaying the talk they had before her sister died in her mind. I understand this and I go to the process of making up stories of things I see and do before they actually happened Life is so crazy for me right now and I just want the anxiety to end so my life can be normal again.

Another Day

I had some notes for crying the other day but I did not feel like writing. Saturday was the worst. I cried so hard I couldn’t drive and had to stop at my brother Dwight’s house to calm down. It was horrible. My doctor changed my meds today and I am hoping this works as I leave to go out of town on Sunday. Florida for five weeks with my job.
I think at some point i need to come back and expound on some of these writings to help give you a better picture of my life and the struggles of everyday life for me as I try to change to focus on me and not everyone else.

I can’t explain what’s wrong with me.

I keep messing myself up and I know its called an ULP (Upper Limit Problem) but i keep doing things like getting my nedicine adjusted which caused issues and then I am going out of town for a few weeks. That is making me really nervous but it’s in Florida so lucky me.
People are telling me to make new friends because I don’t have many but I don’t know how to start that process. I need a boyfriend(lol).

I am going to try and write it down so I can see when I go wrong.