Monday’s

Mondays are the worst. You have a hard time getting up in the morning and then you have a hard time getting to sleep at night. You have those moments where on Monday you just want the day to just be over. And it just seems like it's not happening it seems like the day last forever. But idea some piano lessons I went to see my therapist and it Seems like everybody called me today or text me with some type information. My sister from South Carolina is here and she called me because she can remember how to make those cookies my mom used make. Those cookies are called teacakes and I can make them from scratch but I haven't made them in a very long time and I guess they were just having a discussion about them so they wanted to know. And then they had phone on speaker and they started having a conversation with each other even though I'm still sitting there waiting on the phone and this is one of the things that really annoys me. I hate when people call you to talk to you and you're talking to them and they start having another conversation with someone else. That is like one of my biggest pet peeves. my best friend doesn't was because she calls and talks to me and then she has a conversation with her son at the same time she's talking to me and I'm just really holding the phone so usually i'll just say just call me back later. She says okay and then she dropped them off and within 10 minutes she's calling me back I let somebody else calls her and we're in mid conversation and she said I've got to take this i'll call you back I don't answer when she calls me back to call me maybe two or three times and then nothing it out we don't really talk about anything. So we'll just let everything just go and then out tell her I'll talk to her later so that's on my Monday has been headed maybe reflect on the fact that I that I have a pet peeves about people having conversations with you when they're having conversations with someone else and it just it just just be a waste of your time. And the that's all I'm going to say about that that's one thing out in the air. Mean I saw my therapist today and I was able to talk to her about a lot of things that I did over the last two weeks the Swimming lessons will be back on this week and hopefully I'll be able to start my laps what getting ready to start my swimming on top of the water by myself. But wish me luck!!!

What am I doing?

Okay, so what am I doing? I am hanging out watching TV eating so hungry did not could be this hungry the long time even though I'm a big girl. That's weird a lot of stuff that I've said got deleted just boom gone.If I do cook it'll be healthier meals and I won't eat so much what just happened. I'm watching this I'm watching this show called of God friended me and my sister suggested it and hopefully this will be a good show no it's kind of finding its fee but there are three other episodes and what has said I don't know what I'm doing I'm just kind of just allover the place right now and down I'm probably do a lot of correcting on when I'm speaking to this microphone instead of typing that just lazy today. Hopefully tomorrow it'll get better and i'll have more to talk about tomorrow.

Now What?

So still have to find something to do I don't I don't have a
lot of choices of the just being me it's always hard to find out what I want to
do. I mean I'm taking swimming lessons that's something I'm trying again to
learn the guitar haven't done that yet is just that I can't focus on it I don't
know why I just can't do it I'm every time I try to learn it seems like my arms
are just too big. All all want to do really is just just find me something to
occupy my time I mean. I want to just lay around all day day sleep all d and
have nothing to do just talk on the phone to people I mean I get that old
get tired of just down mean talking so you want to do something else and no one
has any ideas of what to do. So what I've been doing I've also decided to
babysit for Ashton who I was hurt to caregiver now I'm going to take care of
her daughter her nanny I should say I say it care giver but is more of a nanny.
So and I want to do a podcast and I know that's complicated but I mean I like
to do that at some point. I want to talk about my issues with depression and
how hard things were for me and just you know letting other people know that
there are people out there just like them who go and not spend you can't just
let go of things. I mean I have a lot of Family issues where a mean they want
me to be this old person that I used to be and I'm not longer that person I am
you know trying to be all about me what what do I mean what do I want to do
what are things in life that I've put on hold because I was taking care of my
family taken care of them you know my brother or taken care of the kids in our
those are things eating out I want to know if I can succeed in these other
different journeys that I'm taking now. I I love my life I just don't like it
right now I mean they're just spots that up just like oh man what am I going to
do do I want to do is do I want to go to the house today.

Florida Work

I made it!!! I was able to work in Florida for 4 weeks without having a nervous break down.There some scary moments but I made.

Florida work week 2

So far, the week has been pretty good. Still having some
nervous issues being on my own.

Ok, I’m bored. I have been to the beach and the sites that I wanted to see but
it’s no fun on your own. I know some people like that experience but not me.
Don't like that I like being with people and sharing that experience with
people. Even the beach it's a lonely place for me I love the ocean I love
sitting there looking at the water it calms me. I like the feeling of the water
on my feet. I just can't do a whole lot alone because the experience so much
better when you can share it with others.

Now as for work it's slow going. We have a lot of people to come in but they're
not coming in to see me, but I try to help them as best I can and make sure
that they get what they me. This is a great learning experience for me because
I have never traveled to a place alone for work and stayed this long.

Florida Work

The next 5 weeks I will be in Florida working and I feel I have some sense of stability now.I am still fearful but I plan on doing things while I here.

Day two

Started my new medicine today praying to God that they work on this anxiety that I have before my trip. My best friend called me very sad and I was able to keep my wits about me. Her sister died last month and she is still having trouble replaying the talk they had before her sister died in her mind. I understand this and I go to the process of making up stories of things I see and do before they actually happened Life is so crazy for me right now and I just want the anxiety to end so my life can be normal again.