Feeling weird

Don’t know if it’s menopause or just life but I have weight gained I feel like I’m crazy. I am trying to work through it but I don’t know just yet how things will work out.

Good Day

I went to a house warming today.I had plan on not going because I wasn’t actually invited. It was fun and they had a great house and announce that that they were having a baby and got engaged. I was feeling very uncomfortable and didn't Feel like I belong there. I was able to talk to family friend Brittney and her husband and she said I was wrong take care of myself and allowing myself to come out and see another day other people you know make it special. I'm glad went. But I didn't want to stay any longer than I needed to I wanted to come spend time by myself in a very long time been home alone. My sister has been staying with me since December and wanted a little time to be alone. Now I taking my course for my camera training and hopefully that will go well hopefully touch base with tomorrow and I wanted to take so long type it down or put something in my blog.

Beanie

I finally talk to Beanie in my dreams and I got tell her how angry I was at her for dying and leaving me here alone. I know a lot of people won’t understand but suicide is a hard thing to deal with. You blame yourself because you wonder what you missed or what you could have done to stop it. Answer for me NOTHING.
I took care of her and gave her what she wanted but I was not her mother who she wanted all those things from. This is just my opinion but that’s the what I think.
While talking to her in my dream I don’t remember her saying anything but it was her choice. But I again feel like she left me here alone after all the plans we made. Now I have to learn a new path and become a new me without her.I think I am almost there but this caused me some anxiety today because I was scared to admit my truth that I am scare of going on a different journey. I still want to travel but now I don’t need to see the fifty states just New York and California. The other trips can come as they may. I hope can write more I as I progress and feel like I am breaking through this door that I closed and have been having trouble opening.

Wish me luck.

Beanie

OkayYou know been thinking about Beanie. I don't know I Just am. Feel so somber. I miss her but I don’t want it to encompass my life. I'm trying to deal with things just as they come..

So far so good

I know it’s been awhile but I have been through so many things in the past few months that didn’t want to write about it of it. My life has been a rollercoaster with Perimenopause, anxiety and depression I didn’t know which way to turn. I have been to mu OB/GYN for the menopause and I am having surgery on Tuesday for Fibroids. So I hope that helps with my hormones. I also have a vitamin D deficiency and that also caused issue with my health. So now I am taking my meds and exercising. Trying to keep everything at a routine. I also found it easier manage pressure another thing that needed to been in the best frame of mind. There's just so much I didn't realize that's associated with anxiety and depression that can also affect you and in the past few weeks I have been going to all of my doctors to make sure that I'm at my best. I had become so focused on my weight gain that I also forgot about everything else was just you know gaining weight but my doctor helped me realize that I needed to focus on the exercise and not losing the weight just staying healthy and also I have fluids so he has been taking water pills every day to help with the fluid which is probably part of the weight gain. But they're so much more I need to say but I'm just going to start off slow and I'll be back in try to talk more about what's going on just just make sure you take care of yourself. And if you need other people to help you stay the best you please ask for help. Thanks

Why Me?

I keep asking the question but no answers.

What is wrong with me?

The biggest question in the world. What is wrong? I don't know. I mean there're a lot of reasons things are happening there are a lot of explanations but I don't know what they are I just got blown everyday. I shed a few tears I do my breathing exercises. Nothing seems to work just seems to be never ending I just don't know me there has to be an into this these feelings these emotions that I'm having coming there has to be a I have to feel normal again at some point in time I mean I'm getting therapy. But I still have all of these questions and all these thoughts moving around in my head and my stomach in chest and throat are always in knots I feel like I'm just full of emotions. Why these emotions won’t let me go I know everybody has them most I know everybody has to feel a certain way why can I feel that way and feel normal. I'm taking deep breath here because I'm trying to soothe my soul I've been wanting to cry all day I have shed a few tears but it didn't seem like it now it never seems like enough. Maybe one morning I wake up and feel wonderful for more than just a day or two I want to feel wonderful for the rest of my life and I hope and pray that happens and I wish that you would pray that that happens for me too. Thank you

Saturday Dec. 15

It has been a pretty good day.Don Johnson’s birthday lol. I have been out all day and my anxiety has been function pretty good. I took my sister to the doctor she has a cyst on her stomach and I didn’t go into straight panic mode when she called me. I normally feel that I need to take over and be in charge of everything. I didn’t’t do it. Yeah me!!!

Hopefully I will get to see Nick my friend pretty soon. I really miss him and I had some trouble dealing with that. I was in denial that I want to see him again. Hopefully we will make it happen.

I just don’t know

I just don't know what's going. One minute I'm fine in the next minute I feel like I'm lost and Anxious. I mean I have my therapy I take my medication and still just don't feel right I'm trying to find things to do my swimming lessons and then I'm going to start those back I just want this I Just want this feeling to go away I want to feel again. So hopefully when I go to the doctor on the 17th everything will now and she'll give me something that's going to work for more than a month so I can just feel excited I want to feel like taking a bath I want to not have the anxiety anything I can sleep late without feeling bad. I just feel I’d rather be sick than feel this emptiness inside me I just just wanted to go away it just makes me really really sad.

Anxiety and swimming

Well what the swimming lessons on Wednesday that was November 14 , 2018 and I was having a little trouble floating in the water letting go and I talk to my therapist about that and she says he no swimming shows you what you're really not letting go. I think I'm just not trusting myself which is the swim instructor was saying but I'm going to make every effort this coming Wednesday to clothing underwater no float know anything I just trying learned and just trying to let go it won't be easy I know that but I I have got if I want to learn to swim I've got to do this so I will keep you posted I have an appointment with my therapist Wednesday morning and then I have swimming lessons that evening at four and that is November 21. The day after Thanksgiving so Happy Thanksgiving.

Why do I feel this way?

You know when I can explain? I can explain why I feel this way mean is no rhyme or reason to for it I just know that it's Christmas over the holiday season tickets almost Thanksgiving today is November 12,2018. And I just feel I don't know what's going on I'm going to go see my therapist tomorrow and hopefully she'll have some insight into why am feeling this way I think it's because it's coming up on the holidays and I just feel blah with a touch of anxiety. Hopefully things will go better after Wednesday my swimming lessons have two more swimming after that. I'm hoping that I can learn to swim so that I can practice more I keep saying this but I get such fear when I get to the deep end of the pool. Hopefully Wednesday all will go well I will keep you updated. Thank you

Week of Craziness 11/09/2018

This is been a very difficult week. I've had a lot of
anxiety nervous swimming lessons was really nervous doing the swimming lessons
went to the deep end and have the fear that I was going to fall in and sink to
the bottom. I mean I don't know why I have this fear I'm never been afraid of
the water, but I had anxiety on all week anyway and I haven't been able to
sleep I’ll be less stressed. I just need to you know let go and let God as they
say. I mean I want I want to be comfortable and I want they have to relax, and
I really want to learn to swim. I mean this is something I'm doing because I
need to exercise in have to find a way to something that I like that I will
continue to do that is very healthy for me with my anxiety I mean I get so
nervous I want to cry I don't want to do this women exercises because I just
get this overwhelming panic that just scares me. I'm I mean I'm not afraid I
know I'm not but when I get in the watering and it's time to swim I just get
this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is just like I don't know I don't I
can't explain it it's just a fear a great fear. I was able to make it through the
lesson get to the deep end and like I said and I was able to stay there
but I just like I was going to fall back and sink and the girl that
was my swimming instructor she was like you can hold on to me you can hold onto
me it's fine and I did. So, when I go back next week we are going to practice
only in the deep end so I will not have a fear of laying on my stomach and swimming
are floating in the shallow end of the pool. So that's good and I don't know
what the rest of the weekend holds for me but I am going to breathe and
persevere through all of these feelings and emotions that are just driving me
crazy and I don't understand it I mean I feel like I need to cry but I can't
cry something is holding me back I don't know what it is. But I'm going to keep
on until I get to the bottom of it and just be able to live my life and normal
again that's all I want is just to be normal you know be do be like I was
before you know that day because that's when my world changed and I want to be
that way again know don't be exactly the same because there's a part of me
that's missing but it could be Close to that. Let's pray that I get there and
then I'm strong and I stay strong. Thank you

It was a hard day.

Yeah so it's Thursday November 1, 2018 and I didn't have swimming lesson yesterday was Halloween. So i'll have those swimming lessons next week and hopefully i'll have a better time of it it's been two weeks since I've been swimming lessons as I'm hoping you know that I'll be more aggressive I'll be able to push through and then my swim instructor will also feel you know more confident you know because she was freezing it was cold that day and so Seefelt different and maybe heard differences reflected on me. And hopefully you know being there today was such a hard day and I want my worst days now that's a good thing it was not one of my worst days it was just I just was anxious about my first day on my second job babysitting and I just was just scared I guess and just wanted to know how that day was going ago and the day went really well so I'm hopefully it will be the same tomorrow. I mean the baby was great I mean she didn't wasn't fussy she took her bottle the dog was more Busy then the baby was. So you know I guess I mean this is something that I'm going to work through and then the more comfortable I get the more I will enjoy it hopefully I will have a better day as the weeks progress hopefully. And I know this is kind of all over the place when I talk on these blogs is This the way I talk I mean I can always go back and edited and put something together as my book and hopefully one day I'll be have to do that and in an be able to print that out and get that information together and I have a just of book for reflections. I think that would be a good thing because this this blog is been going on for some years is just that I never talk as much as I do now I mean I had stuff to talk about but I just cannot kept it bottled all up inside. And then they just called to strain on me and it was just rough. We will see how things go hopefully I will talk to you some this weekend if not I will definitely talk after Wednesday. Thanks

Monday’s

Mondays are the worst. You have a hard time getting up in the morning and then you have a hard time getting to sleep at night. You have those moments where on Monday you just want the day to just be over. And it just seems like it's not happening it seems like the day last forever. But idea some piano lessons I went to see my therapist and it Seems like everybody called me today or text me with some type information. My sister from South Carolina is here and she called me because she can remember how to make those cookies my mom used make. Those cookies are called teacakes and I can make them from scratch but I haven't made them in a very long time and I guess they were just having a discussion about them so they wanted to know. And then they had phone on speaker and they started having a conversation with each other even though I'm still sitting there waiting on the phone and this is one of the things that really annoys me. I hate when people call you to talk to you and you're talking to them and they start having another conversation with someone else. That is like one of my biggest pet peeves. my best friend doesn't was because she calls and talks to me and then she has a conversation with her son at the same time she's talking to me and I'm just really holding the phone so usually i'll just say just call me back later. She says okay and then she dropped them off and within 10 minutes she's calling me back I let somebody else calls her and we're in mid conversation and she said I've got to take this i'll call you back I don't answer when she calls me back to call me maybe two or three times and then nothing it out we don't really talk about anything. So we'll just let everything just go and then out tell her I'll talk to her later so that's on my Monday has been headed maybe reflect on the fact that I that I have a pet peeves about people having conversations with you when they're having conversations with someone else and it just it just just be a waste of your time. And the that's all I'm going to say about that that's one thing out in the air. Mean I saw my therapist today and I was able to talk to her about a lot of things that I did over the last two weeks the Swimming lessons will be back on this week and hopefully I'll be able to start my laps what getting ready to start my swimming on top of the water by myself. But wish me luck!!!

What am I doing?

Okay, so what am I doing? I am hanging out watching TV eating so hungry did not could be this hungry the long time even though I'm a big girl. That's weird a lot of stuff that I've said got deleted just boom gone.If I do cook it'll be healthier meals and I won't eat so much what just happened. I'm watching this I'm watching this show called of God friended me and my sister suggested it and hopefully this will be a good show no it's kind of finding its fee but there are three other episodes and what has said I don't know what I'm doing I'm just kind of just allover the place right now and down I'm probably do a lot of correcting on when I'm speaking to this microphone instead of typing that just lazy today. Hopefully tomorrow it'll get better and i'll have more to talk about tomorrow.

Now What?

So still have to find something to do I don't I don't have a
lot of choices of the just being me it's always hard to find out what I want to
do. I mean I'm taking swimming lessons that's something I'm trying again to
learn the guitar haven't done that yet is just that I can't focus on it I don't
know why I just can't do it I'm every time I try to learn it seems like my arms
are just too big. All all want to do really is just just find me something to
occupy my time I mean. I want to just lay around all day day sleep all d and
have nothing to do just talk on the phone to people I mean I get that old
get tired of just down mean talking so you want to do something else and no one
has any ideas of what to do. So what I've been doing I've also decided to
babysit for Ashton who I was hurt to caregiver now I'm going to take care of
her daughter her nanny I should say I say it care giver but is more of a nanny.
So and I want to do a podcast and I know that's complicated but I mean I like
to do that at some point. I want to talk about my issues with depression and
how hard things were for me and just you know letting other people know that
there are people out there just like them who go and not spend you can't just
let go of things. I mean I have a lot of Family issues where a mean they want
me to be this old person that I used to be and I'm not longer that person I am
you know trying to be all about me what what do I mean what do I want to do
what are things in life that I've put on hold because I was taking care of my
family taken care of them you know my brother or taken care of the kids in our
those are things eating out I want to know if I can succeed in these other
different journeys that I'm taking now. I I love my life I just don't like it
right now I mean they're just spots that up just like oh man what am I going to
do do I want to do is do I want to go to the house today.

Florida Work

I made it!!! I was able to work in Florida for 4 weeks without having a nervous break down.There some scary moments but I made.

Florida work week 2

So far, the week has been pretty good. Still having some
nervous issues being on my own.

Ok, I’m bored. I have been to the beach and the sites that I wanted to see but
it’s no fun on your own. I know some people like that experience but not me.
Don't like that I like being with people and sharing that experience with
people. Even the beach it's a lonely place for me I love the ocean I love
sitting there looking at the water it calms me. I like the feeling of the water
on my feet. I just can't do a whole lot alone because the experience so much
better when you can share it with others.

Now as for work it's slow going. We have a lot of people to come in but they're
not coming in to see me, but I try to help them as best I can and make sure
that they get what they me. This is a great learning experience for me because
I have never traveled to a place alone for work and stayed this long.

Florida Work

The next 5 weeks I will be in Florida working and I feel I have some sense of stability now.I am still fearful but I plan on doing things while I here.

Day two

Started my new medicine today praying to God that they work on this anxiety that I have before my trip. My best friend called me very sad and I was able to keep my wits about me. Her sister died last month and she is still having trouble replaying the talk they had before her sister died in her mind. I understand this and I go to the process of making up stories of things I see and do before they actually happened Life is so crazy for me right now and I just want the anxiety to end so my life can be normal again.