Why do I feel this way?

You know when I can explain? I can explain why I feel this way mean is no rhyme or reason to for it I just know that it's Christmas over the holiday season tickets almost Thanksgiving today is November 12,2018. And I just feel I don't know what's going on I'm going to go see my therapist tomorrow and hopefully she'll have some insight into why am feeling this way I think it's because it's coming up on the holidays and I just feel blah with a touch of anxiety. Hopefully things will go better after Wednesday my swimming lessons have two more swimming after that. I'm hoping that I can learn to swim so that I can practice more I keep saying this but I get such fear when I get to the deep end of the pool. Hopefully Wednesday all will go well I will keep you updated. Thank you

Week of Craziness 11/09/2018

This is been a very difficult week. I've had a lot of
anxiety nervous swimming lessons was really nervous doing the swimming lessons
went to the deep end and have the fear that I was going to fall in and sink to
the bottom. I mean I don't know why I have this fear I'm never been afraid of
the water, but I had anxiety on all week anyway and I haven't been able to
sleep I’ll be less stressed. I just need to you know let go and let God as they
say. I mean I want I want to be comfortable and I want they have to relax, and
I really want to learn to swim. I mean this is something I'm doing because I
need to exercise in have to find a way to something that I like that I will
continue to do that is very healthy for me with my anxiety I mean I get so
nervous I want to cry I don't want to do this women exercises because I just
get this overwhelming panic that just scares me. I'm I mean I'm not afraid I
know I'm not but when I get in the watering and it's time to swim I just get
this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is just like I don't know I don't I
can't explain it it's just a fear a great fear. I was able to make it through the
lesson get to the deep end and like I said and I was able to stay there
but I just like I was going to fall back and sink and the girl that
was my swimming instructor she was like you can hold on to me you can hold onto
me it's fine and I did. So, when I go back next week we are going to practice
only in the deep end so I will not have a fear of laying on my stomach and swimming
are floating in the shallow end of the pool. So that's good and I don't know
what the rest of the weekend holds for me but I am going to breathe and
persevere through all of these feelings and emotions that are just driving me
crazy and I don't understand it I mean I feel like I need to cry but I can't
cry something is holding me back I don't know what it is. But I'm going to keep
on until I get to the bottom of it and just be able to live my life and normal
again that's all I want is just to be normal you know be do be like I was
before you know that day because that's when my world changed and I want to be
that way again know don't be exactly the same because there's a part of me
that's missing but it could be Close to that. Let's pray that I get there and
then I'm strong and I stay strong. Thank you

It was a hard day.

Yeah so it's Thursday November 1, 2018 and I didn't have swimming lesson yesterday was Halloween. So i'll have those swimming lessons next week and hopefully i'll have a better time of it it's been two weeks since I've been swimming lessons as I'm hoping you know that I'll be more aggressive I'll be able to push through and then my swim instructor will also feel you know more confident you know because she was freezing it was cold that day and so Seefelt different and maybe heard differences reflected on me. And hopefully you know being there today was such a hard day and I want my worst days now that's a good thing it was not one of my worst days it was just I just was anxious about my first day on my second job babysitting and I just was just scared I guess and just wanted to know how that day was going ago and the day went really well so I'm hopefully it will be the same tomorrow. I mean the baby was great I mean she didn't wasn't fussy she took her bottle the dog was more Busy then the baby was. So you know I guess I mean this is something that I'm going to work through and then the more comfortable I get the more I will enjoy it hopefully I will have a better day as the weeks progress hopefully. And I know this is kind of all over the place when I talk on these blogs is This the way I talk I mean I can always go back and edited and put something together as my book and hopefully one day I'll be have to do that and in an be able to print that out and get that information together and I have a just of book for reflections. I think that would be a good thing because this this blog is been going on for some years is just that I never talk as much as I do now I mean I had stuff to talk about but I just cannot kept it bottled all up inside. And then they just called to strain on me and it was just rough. We will see how things go hopefully I will talk to you some this weekend if not I will definitely talk after Wednesday. Thanks

Monday’s

Mondays are the worst. You have a hard time getting up in the morning and then you have a hard time getting to sleep at night. You have those moments where on Monday you just want the day to just be over. And it just seems like it's not happening it seems like the day last forever. But idea some piano lessons I went to see my therapist and it Seems like everybody called me today or text me with some type information. My sister from South Carolina is here and she called me because she can remember how to make those cookies my mom used make. Those cookies are called teacakes and I can make them from scratch but I haven't made them in a very long time and I guess they were just having a discussion about them so they wanted to know. And then they had phone on speaker and they started having a conversation with each other even though I'm still sitting there waiting on the phone and this is one of the things that really annoys me. I hate when people call you to talk to you and you're talking to them and they start having another conversation with someone else. That is like one of my biggest pet peeves. my best friend doesn't was because she calls and talks to me and then she has a conversation with her son at the same time she's talking to me and I'm just really holding the phone so usually i'll just say just call me back later. She says okay and then she dropped them off and within 10 minutes she's calling me back I let somebody else calls her and we're in mid conversation and she said I've got to take this i'll call you back I don't answer when she calls me back to call me maybe two or three times and then nothing it out we don't really talk about anything. So we'll just let everything just go and then out tell her I'll talk to her later so that's on my Monday has been headed maybe reflect on the fact that I that I have a pet peeves about people having conversations with you when they're having conversations with someone else and it just it just just be a waste of your time. And the that's all I'm going to say about that that's one thing out in the air. Mean I saw my therapist today and I was able to talk to her about a lot of things that I did over the last two weeks the Swimming lessons will be back on this week and hopefully I'll be able to start my laps what getting ready to start my swimming on top of the water by myself. But wish me luck!!!

What am I doing?

Okay, so what am I doing? I am hanging out watching TV eating so hungry did not could be this hungry the long time even though I'm a big girl. That's weird a lot of stuff that I've said got deleted just boom gone.If I do cook it'll be healthier meals and I won't eat so much what just happened. I'm watching this I'm watching this show called of God friended me and my sister suggested it and hopefully this will be a good show no it's kind of finding its fee but there are three other episodes and what has said I don't know what I'm doing I'm just kind of just allover the place right now and down I'm probably do a lot of correcting on when I'm speaking to this microphone instead of typing that just lazy today. Hopefully tomorrow it'll get better and i'll have more to talk about tomorrow.

Now What?

So still have to find something to do I don't I don't have a
lot of choices of the just being me it's always hard to find out what I want to
do. I mean I'm taking swimming lessons that's something I'm trying again to
learn the guitar haven't done that yet is just that I can't focus on it I don't
know why I just can't do it I'm every time I try to learn it seems like my arms
are just too big. All all want to do really is just just find me something to
occupy my time I mean. I want to just lay around all day day sleep all d and
have nothing to do just talk on the phone to people I mean I get that old
get tired of just down mean talking so you want to do something else and no one
has any ideas of what to do. So what I've been doing I've also decided to
babysit for Ashton who I was hurt to caregiver now I'm going to take care of
her daughter her nanny I should say I say it care giver but is more of a nanny.
So and I want to do a podcast and I know that's complicated but I mean I like
to do that at some point. I want to talk about my issues with depression and
how hard things were for me and just you know letting other people know that
there are people out there just like them who go and not spend you can't just
let go of things. I mean I have a lot of Family issues where a mean they want
me to be this old person that I used to be and I'm not longer that person I am
you know trying to be all about me what what do I mean what do I want to do
what are things in life that I've put on hold because I was taking care of my
family taken care of them you know my brother or taken care of the kids in our
those are things eating out I want to know if I can succeed in these other
different journeys that I'm taking now. I I love my life I just don't like it
right now I mean they're just spots that up just like oh man what am I going to
do do I want to do is do I want to go to the house today.

Florida Work

I made it!!! I was able to work in Florida for 4 weeks without having a nervous break down.There some scary moments but I made.