I finally talk to Beanie in my dreams and I got tell her how angry I was at her for dying and leaving me here alone. I know a lot of people won’t understand but suicide is a hard thing to deal with. You blame yourself because you wonder what you missed or what you could have done to stop it. Answer for me NOTHING.
I took care of her and gave her what she wanted but I was not her mother who she wanted all those things from. This is just my opinion but that’s the what I think.
While talking to her in my dream I don’t remember her saying anything but it was her choice. But I again feel like she left me here alone after all the plans we made. Now I have to learn a new path and become a new me without her.I think I am almost there but this caused me some anxiety today because I was scared to admit my truth that I am scare of going on a different journey. I still want to travel but now I don’t need to see the fifty states just New York and California. The other trips can come as they may. I hope can write more I as I progress and feel like I am breaking through this door that I closed and have been having trouble opening.
Wish me luck.
